you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
