remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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