The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
