just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
