Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
