Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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