Moan for me like Helen Keller
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
