i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
