lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
