hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
