she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
