I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
