i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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