Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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