i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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