those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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