he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
