I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
