he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
