Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Everclear isn't food dammit
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
