We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
