She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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