I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
