I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
