did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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