Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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