Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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