There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
