here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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