im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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