explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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