he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
