i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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