Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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