If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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