Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
