Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
