I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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