The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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