I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
