So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In other news, I just burned my penis
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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