I hate your face
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
