she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I looked at my own cervix.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
