Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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