I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
