I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
