Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I accidentally burped into my bong.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
my poor anus
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
