Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
