awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
