Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
