Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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